BEST 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies:
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you
if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will not be able to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, & your mail will be deleted in the order
it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first 10 words & $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message
has been delivered. Please restart your computer & try sending again....(The
beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over & over
& over....)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You
are currently in 352nd place, & can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me....Please wait by your PC
for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office the next two weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Sheila' instead of Steve.
There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!
The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."
Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one!" - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support, rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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