vineri, 31 octombrie 2008

Zuper horoscop


Cine ma stie sau ma cunoaste cat de cat mai ca o sa cada din scaun cand o sa vada asa post, mai ales ca eu nu prea ma omor cu zodiacele, horoscoapele si astrologia. Mai bine zis, e putin probabil ca asa o tema de discutie sa fie luata de mine in serios.

Raspunsul preferat la binecunoscutul slogan "Viitorul iti surade" este "Astrele se c..a pe ele de ras."

Conform clasicilor interpretari, sunt Berbec cu ascendent in Rac, doua chestii ce nu se prea suporta, de aici si dificultatea de a fi incadrata undeva la o evaluare a personalitatii mele minunate.

Cel mai smart horoscop ma clasifica asa cum urmeaza - parantezele sunt ale mele:

Berbec (21.03-20.04)

Planeta dominantă: Marte, planeta încăpăţănării şi încăierărilor.

Animalul sacru: bărzăunul( hi, hi!)

Personalitate: Berbecul guvernează capul, drept pentru care Berbecii sunt experţi în a se arunca cu capul înainte, a face doar ce-i taie capul şi a da cu capul de pragul de sus(daca ajung la el, daca nu se catara). Sunt foarte siguri pe ei în tot ce fac, chiar şi când fac cele mai monumentale prostii(o, da!). Plini de energie şi iniţiativă, sunt atât de grăbiţi şi de ocupaţi încât nu au timp să gândească(ce e facut e bun facut). Cu toate astea, în înţelepciunea( da, da!) lor nemărginită, ştiu întotdeauna ce e mai bine pentru ceilalţi( se numeste simt practic!). Nimeni n-are voie să-i contrazică, în timp ce ei îşi păstrează dreptul inalienabil de a contrazice pe toată lumea( n-are farmec altfel, dom'le). Specialitatea lor este viteza, din care cauză au mereu fel de fel de vânătăi(degetele mici de la picioare de toate colturile), arsuri sau tăieturi şi sunt clienţi fideli ai service-urilor şi asigurărilor auto(au uitat hainele rupte in clanta usilor). Cea mai mare afacere a vieţii lor este sexul, pe care-l practică numai din dragoste(no comment, one love...), chiar dacă dragostea respectivă nu durează decât o zi.

Meseria potrivită: director, pompier, instructor de sex, bungeejumper, spărgător de bănci( as vrea eu!).

Pizza magică: Diavolo.(discutabil)

Medicamentul norocos: energizantele


Restul, care cum va stiti, va gasiti aici, pentru ca articolul original a disparut in ceata de pe dob.ro.

joi, 30 octombrie 2008

Gluma zilei


O discutie intre 2 copii in camera lor. Baietelul catre fetita:
- Ce-i vei cere lui Mos Craciun anul acesta?
F: O papusica Barbie, dar tu?
B: Eu ii voi cere un Tampax.
F: Tampax? Ce e asta?
Baietelul: Habar n-am, dar zic astia la televizor ca daca-l folosesti poti merge la plaja in fiecare zi, sa mergi cu bicicleta, sa inoti in piscina, sa dansezi, sa alergi, sa faci o multime de lucruri fara ca nimeni sa-si dea seama !

miercuri, 29 octombrie 2008

Cum se fasaie Zapp


Astazi am primit link la un comunicat de presa postat pe ComunicateMedia.ro de Carmen Lazar de la Zapp in care se promoveaza o campanie foarte atractiva si amuzanta la prima vedere: 1000 de abonamente gratuite pentru 500 de cupluri care se vor casatori la 1 noiembrie 2008. Totul pentru a sprijini "comunicarea de cuplu".

Citez din comunicat: "Fiecare cuplu va primi gratuit pentru 1 an de zile doua abonamente-Zapp Unic 4 si Zapp Unic 6, tariful perceput pentru apelurile efectuate in orice retea nationala si la orice ora fiind cel mai mic din piata, respectiv 0,084 euro+TVA.

Pe langa tariful unic utilizatorii de Zapp Unic mai beneficiaza de pana la 60 de minute nationale incluse, minute in reteaua Zapp incluse si pana la 500 de sms-uri in reteaua Zapp."

Orasele in care se desfasoara campania sunt: Bucuresti, Constanta, Brasov, Cluj, Iasi si Timisoara.

De ce spun ca se fasaie?

Perioada aleasa pentru lansare este una destul de slaba pentru vanzari, mai ales ca atentia publicului este atintita asupra ofertei de a te muta cu tot cu numar intr-o alta retea.

Majoritatea nuntilor pentru romani, majoritar ortodocsi, se desfasoara intre posturi, mai ales vara si toamna devreme. Numarul celor care se vor casatori asadar pe 1 noiembrie este foarte mic, tinand cont ca nu este chiar o campanie nationala, aria de raspndire fiind destul de limitata.

Lansarea campaniei nu a fost efectuata cu surle si trambite, astfel incat si mai putini din cei care ar putea beneficia de oferta afla cu adevarat de ea.

Pentru a beneficia, este necesar sa se prezinte cu al lor certificat de casatorie in cel mult 10 zile. Cei care isi vor schimba cartile de identitate au de alergat si pentru ele, ca la crearea unui abonament ai nevoie de cartea de identitate. De asemena, sa nu uitam de coada la care tinerii casatoriti trebuie sa stea pentru a beneficia de un bonus din partea guvernului. La Visurat se gaseste povestea pe larg, asa ca nu ma repet.

Din punct de vedere legal, se acorda un concediu de 5 zile(cred) pentru casatorie. Asta ca sa poti sta pe la ghisee.

sursa aici

LE: campanie lansata azi! un fass in plus...

Joke of the day


GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No, said GORDON - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'.
I'm afraid not, explained GORDON - that's what we would call great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

GORDON searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and MR. DARLING was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed GORDON. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'

Zile libere dupa lege


In Monitorul Oficial, Partea I, nr. 728, de marti, 28 octombrie, a fost publicata Legea nr. 202/2008 pentru modificarea Codului Muncii, prin care se introduc alte trei zile libere pe an, pentru angajati.

Legea nr. 202/2008 modifica alin. (1) al art. 134 din Legea nr. 53/2003 - Codul muncii - si stabileste ca zilele de sarbatoare legala in care nu se lucreaza sunt:
— 1 si 2 ianuarie;
— prima si a doua zi de Pasti;
— 1 mai;
— prima si a doua zi de Rusalii(Coborarea Sfantului Duh, la 50 de zile dupa Pasti);
— Adormirea Maicii Domnului (15 august);
— 1 decembrie(anul asta pica luni!!!!);
— prima si a doua zi de Craciun;
— 2 zile pentru fiecare dintre cele 3 sarbatori religioase anuale, declarate astfel de cultele religioase legale, altele decat cele crestine, pentru persoanele apartinand acestora.

Daca sunteti cumva angajat, aceste date sunt esentiale. Daca nu, le puteti transmite cuiva care are nevoie de ele.

marți, 28 octombrie 2008

Coltul de lectura


Din cand in cand mai ajung sa citesc si cate o carte atat de fantastica incat simt nevoia sa revin la ea. Din pacate, nu toate cartile pe care ajung sa le citesc sau pe care le recitesc imi creaza acea excitatie intelectuala dorita.

Cartile din ziua de azi au metafore din ce in ce mai inedite. Titlurile au denumiri din ce in ce mai comerciale. Reclamele si-au facut loc pana si in paginile cartilor care ar trebui sa ne ofere momente de placere. De cateva luni ma delectez cu o colectie de romane de succes de la editura Reader’s Digest. Iata mai jos cateva exemple intalnite in aproximativ 141 de pagini.

- “Se ocupa de pagina de anunturi a ziarului Pump.”( ziar amintit in mod repetat)
- “…se lasase de scoala si incepuse ucenicia la J.W.Best Ltd, o firma locala de constructii”
- “hainele cumparate de pe Saville Row”
- “Ploaia izbea fara oprire in capota automobilului Audi…”
- “…Santini, restaurantul italian de la coltul strazii. Am savurat o sticla de Chablis…”
- “…am decis sa mergem in plimbare pana la holetul Goring…”
- “Un Ford vechi, gri…”
- “Mi-am luat Audi-ul din garaj…”
- “ bet.com”(pariaza.com)
- “Am ales un Chateauneuf-du-Pape si l-am deschis…”
- “localul Pizza on the Park”
- “cafeneaua din Regent’s Park”
- Hotelul Queen
- “Vrei un Guiness?”
- Rochii Armani, Versace si Gucci
- “Am vazut sirurile de pantofi de la Jimmy Choo si un raft de posete de la Fendi”
- “Am o sticla de Glenfiddich…”
- “Eu ma duc la cumparaturi in Wantage”
- Ziarul Rancing Post
- Hotelul Donnington Valley

Toate exemplele date se regasesc in La ordin, de Dick Francis. Sunt doar cateva exemple din cele care au inceput sa ne inunde cartile.

Chiar daca intruziunile in paginile in care ar trebui sa ne regasim trairile alaturi de cele ale personajelor par a ne sacai acum sau denota cel putin neplacerea mea de a regasi acest tip de reclame, sper ca nu va deveni o realitate contra careia sa protestam sau sa facem si acolo pauza de reclame precum la filme.

Vreau totusi sa fiu optimista, asa ca inchei cu unul dintre acele citate pe care as vrea sa le citesc mai des:

“Cel mai important cuvant din vocabularul omului are doar cateva litere si nu exista o definitie care sa i se fi potrivit vreodata pe de-a-ntregul. Ne iubim cainii. Ne iubim copiii. Il iubim pe Dumnezeu si ne dam in vant dupa tortul de ciocolata. Ne indragostim si ne dezindragostim. Murim din dragoste si ucidem din dragoste. Iubirea n-o putem cheltui. N-o putem manca, cand ne e foame, ori bea, cand murim de sete. Daca i-ati intreba pe oameni ce pretuiesc mai mult in viata, pun pariu ca cei mai multi dintre ei vor spune iubirea.
Suntem niste fiinte ciudate, imi spusei…”

Intrebat despre sotia lui, acelasi Kent Krueger care spune cuvintele de mai sus in Secretul din Golful Tunetului, spune ca “dragostea se schimba pe parcursul a treizeci de ani. Asemenea unei gradini salbatice, ea devine mai deasa, mai incalcita si se intinde dincolo de marginile ei propriu-zise. Daca ai noroc – si eu, unul,am – carceii iubirii invadeaza fiecare ungher, fiecare tainita a vietii tale si, intr-o buna zi, iti dai seama ca frumoasa gradina salbaticita te-a inghitit cu totul.”

Romantisml meu nu a murit inca si sper ca peste 30 de ani iubirea ce o traiesc sa fie la fel ca cea traita de zeci de alti oameni ce se iubesc sincer, zi de zi, la fel cum o face Krueger.

Joke of the day


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

luni, 27 octombrie 2008

Toamna(fara sens)


Toamna s-a instalat de mult, ca un musafir familiar, fara a tine cont de conventii sau de politeturi. Daca mai demult, cand eram inca un copil sau pastram inocenta acelei varste, inceputul de toamna venea mult mai devreme, o data cu prunele aromate din gradina pe care le mancam direct din copaci, o data cu inceputul de scoala si trezitul de dimineata fie pentru a merge la scoala, fie pentru a-mi face temele, acum stim ca vine toamna pentru ca “s-a calatorit vara” o data cu Sfantul Ilie sau pentru ca un prezentator meteo ne spune asta.

Mai stim ca a venit pentru ca e noapte cand plecam de la servici, au venit studentii reveniti ultimii din vacanta si tot orasul e mai plin de tineri care se tin de mana, rad zgomotos si descopera plimbarile lungi pe Copoul redenumit Bulevardul Carol din cine stie ce motiv de catre cei care se ocupa cu asta pe la primarii.

Mai stim ca e toamna cand copacii au inceput sa se ingalbeneasca si sa-si lase frunzele pe care le matura din cand in cand cei de la salubrizare, ploua si e mai frig si nenorocitii astia nu inca drumul la caldura pentru ca inca nu e destul de frig sau, in cazul in care este totusi centrala pe scara, nu este destul de frig pentru fundurile tabarcite care stau ziua infofolite la telenovele sau urmarind 300 de emisiuni care au facut-o celebra pe Elodia.

Ne trezim lunea dis-de-dimineata si plecam in aerul rece spre servici. Avem sau nu timp sa observam culorile copacilor pe langa care trecem. Suntem zguduiti si inghesuiti in mijloacele de transport in comun sau ne facem nervi in propriile masini. Este posibil ca pentru unii dintre noi toamna sa fie un anotimp al nostalgiilor, sfarsit al sirurilor de zile lungi si insorite de vara, cu nopti fierbinti si incarcate de energie.

Magia serilor de vara s-a dus, inspiram adanc aerul rece de octombrie, mancam struguri si bem must la Sarbatorile Iasului, ne afumam la mirosul de mici si alte chestii cu trei centimetri de grasime puse pe gratar, salivam la mirosul de porumb fiert sau la gratar, castanele prajite sunt fierbinti si ne luam haine de piele sau blana. De unde or avea astia porumb cu boabele “in lapte” la vremea asta?

Citatul zilei: “Fiecare frunza care cade ajunge sa se odihneasca acolo unde i-a fost sortit dintotdeauna sa fie.” Kent Krueger

You're beautiful!

The funny moment of the day:

marți, 21 octombrie 2008

Why we love Children


1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad.....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out..'
Five minutes later:
'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'


7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked.
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'


10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her:
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

luni, 20 octombrie 2008

Joke of the day - Second opinion


Do You Need a Second Opinion

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit ... it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit -- $400
New shirt -- $36
New underwear -- $6
Second Opinion -- PRICELESS

For every men in my life!

"Eu iti dau Oxigenul"


Dumineca ne-am luat frumusel de manuta si am iesit la o plimbare, unde altundeva decat in Gradina Botanica, pentru ca a fost o zi minunata de toamna pe care nu se facea sa o ratam. L-am luat pe noi si pe un prieten drag, care mi-a adus o surpriza super placuta: lemn dulce, adica liquorice de la Darrell Lee.

Aproape toti copacii de langa stada putau o banderola de plastic cu inscriptia "Eu iti dau Oxigenul". Cautand am aflat ca este o campanie desfasurata de reprezentanta Rotary in Romania, Rotaract, care a organizat aceasta campanie verde in 19 orase din tara. Scopul acestei actiuni este "sensibilizarea populaţiei şi conştientizarea importanţei naturii urbane asupra calităţii vieţii de zi cu zi".

Campania se desfasoara timp de o saptamana, iar benzile de plastic vor fi scoase tot de cei care le-au pus.A doua parte a proiectului desfasurat la nivel national este plantarea de copaci in zonele defrisate.

O fi asta cea mai buna masura de a-i face pe oameni sa constientizeze. Era poate mai bine sa fie facuta putina educatie, sa se contracteze o firma pentru colectarea deseurilor din hartie sau plastic sau o masura care ar fi venit intr-adevar in sprijinul oamenilor. Are efect aceasta campanie verde?

vineri, 17 octombrie 2008

Deformare profesionala


M-am cam prins eu ca am capatat o deformare profesionala si incept sa ma repet fara sa ma fi damblagit de tot inca de cand tot raspund la clienti cat tine programul de lucru.

De ce mi se intampla asta m-am cam prins eu, mai ales cand numarul de oameni care te intreaba acelasi lucru de zeci de ori e in crestere. Si eu sunt o tanti de aia faina, careia ii place sa ia omul cu binisorul si sa-i explice pe indelete ce si cum, trimitandu-i nu la ... Nu stiu la ce v-ati gandit voi ca eu nu injur prea des. Asa m-o facut mama me pe mine de nu prea pot sa injur. Eu zic frumos cu patos "Pisici albastre!" in ultimul timp cand nu-mi merge ceva. De nu ma credeti intrebati pe Andreea, ca va confirma ea.

Revin la subiect: eu ii trimit acolo unde se gasesc informatiile atunci cand e clar ca sunt niste persoane care vorbesc mai mult la telefon si citesc mai putin.

Pentru ca eu sunt persoana finuta( v-am spus ca ma repet, dar sa stiti ca asa sunt eu), am inceput sa citesc carti si articole de alea precum "Fraze perfecte pentru clienti", "Managementul relatiilor cu clientii" si alte carti si articole ca sa ma repet mai putin si sa-i tratez pe clienti asa cum mi-ar place mie. Ca daca nu mi-ar place de ei probabil ca m-as urca pe toti peretii de nervi.

Aseara am fost la "Ziua Clientului" Herbalife. Muzica a urlat in boxe chiar deasupra capului meu si persoane agitate strigau in microfonul care se auzea in aceleasi boxe sa batem din palme ca in palme se gasesc niste puncte care activeaza hormonul fericirii. N-am castigat la tombola de la sfarsit. Nu-i bai. Dar toata povestea cu magulitul clientului imi suna atat de bine incat mi-a facut rau. Aceleasi chestii aproape le spun si eu zilnic, uneori mai bine, uneori mai rau. Dar sa le aud din nou dupa o zi de lucru, sa ma privesti in ochi si ma ma indemni la batut din palme, sa ma surzeasca boxele si microfonia... nope, a doua oara nu mai vin, chiar daca premiile de la tombola sunt atractive si povestile de succes super reale. Cine vrea asa ceva, e interesant, dar eu una sunt acel posibil client carcotas.

Let's smile!


It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
***

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
***

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
***

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
***

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
***

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Ritmuri care salveaza vieti

In aceasta dimineata sotiorul mi-a dat link la o stire care mi s-a parut foarte interesanta, atat de interesanta incat sigur se va regasi in curand tradusa si intr-un ziar din Romania sau chiar mentionata la Badea in emisiune.

Melodia Stayin' Alive de la Bee Gees ofera un ritm ideal de urmat in timpul procedurii de resuscitare cardiaca ce face parte din masurile de prim ajutor la o victima ce sufera un atac cardiovascular. Nu-i nevoie cred sa spun mai multe, de vreme ce filmele marii industii ale "Padurii Sfinte" (oare Pruteanu e mandru de mine acum?) prezinta salvarea miraculoasa de o gramada de ori.

Respectiva miscare poate tripla sansele cuiva la supravietuire si totusi nu prea este folosita pentru ca oamenii nu sunt siguri asupra ritmicitatii miscarii si de multe ori o efectueaza mult prea incet. Melodia perfecta si ritmul perfect pot fi cele din melodia Stayin' Alive, cu singura conditie sa fi auzit melodia vreodata sau macar sa ti-o amintesti in momentele respective.

Iata si melodia pentru cei care nu si-o aduc aminte:

joi, 16 octombrie 2008

10 jokes to make your day!


1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year- old shout from the back seat, 'Mom!That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?

5) POLICE #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes, 'I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,'
I told her 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, `would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers an wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. '

9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!'

10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear.'

marți, 14 octombrie 2008

Joke of the day


Two Spiders

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden' she said.

vineri, 10 octombrie 2008

Cum sa-i faci cuiva ziua grozava


Conditii:
1. sa gasesti un site grozav
2. sa-i scrii numele
3. sa stie engleza
4. sa-i trimiti link-ul

De exemplu: click aici

vineri, 3 octombrie 2008

Joke of the day


Skinny little man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?

"The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around".