Joke of the day

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours and wet the bed?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Q. Why was the scientist's head wet?
A. Because he had a brainstorm.


Because they needed some help around the house, the minister's wife placed an ad for a manservant. Around 8 a.m. the next morming a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door.
"Can you fix breakfast by 7 a.m. every day?" the minister asks the young man.
"Well...... I guess I can," came the bewildered reply.
"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also." the minister continued.
"Gee, sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's going to be that much work, you can count me out right now!"


Waiter to blonde customer: "How do you want me to slice your pizza? Into six or twelve slices?"
Blonde: "SIX!!!! Gosh sakes, I could NEVER eat 12 slices!"


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Don't play stupid with me.... I'm better at it!

Too many freaks, not enough circuses!

The more I learn, the less I understand.

Do unto others, then run.

I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a vacuum cleaner!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

The only difference between a garage sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

I used to be a heavy gambler but now I just make mental bets; that's how I lost my mind.


A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line"


Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk." Worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He got an "A".



Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says "The plane can only take four."
The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Very reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


Grandma - different from Grandpa

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went .
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?